40: Understanding the Feedback You Receive

The feedback in relationships is about you AND the other person

The feedback in relationships is never about you or me. It’s about you AND me. It’s a two-way street. When we hear feedback from someone else, and if they are close to us, such as a spouse or a boss, we receive it according to our relationship lens. It’s never independent of the relationship and never in one direction. When your spouse says, “you could’ve been more friendly at the party last night.” they don’t only tell you about your behavior. They include your relationship, how they feel about your behavior, and how it impacts them. The same applies at work. When your boss gives feedback about a meeting performance from yesterday, they also have concerns about their presence and how you impact it. This also affects how they want to work with you.

• Related Note(s):
  • 5: Managing Promotions;
  • 3: Being a Team Manager and Manager’s Job;
  • 7: Confident Humility;
  • 12: Engineer Autonomy;
  • 20: Influencing Others;
  • 21: Efficient Code Review Process (The changes I wanted to do in one of my teams);
  • 23: The First Question of Feedback Discussions;
  • 36: Open Feedback Culture;
  • 40c: Learning How to Receive Feedback;
• Source(s): Thanks for The Feedback by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

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