After I began playing in an improv theatre, I’ve been observing people more. The more I observe, the fewer people I see who are willing to move out of their comfort zone. Even when they have the energy and really want to do something, like sign up for a hobby class or host a dinner with friends. When I ask why they aren’t doing the things they would love to do, I hear the same answer from everyone, like they are in a choir. They are busy. Everyone is busy. People want to do a million things and never find the time. Perhaps they think time is like a material that can be mined, and they are waiting for someone to show them where to start digging. But they—all these busy people—have something in common. They choose to be busy. And they use busyness as an excuse to avoid showing vulnerability.
“Being busy” is a choice. I know, I know, most people don’t have the luxury of stopping work when they want to. So, naturally, they are busy with work. Still, what’s left after work is still a significant amount of time that anyone can choose how to spend. Yet, they don’t want to do anything. What drives me mad is that many use the job as an excuse. Sometimes to explain why they haven’t yet looked into something they promised, sometimes to avoid learning about something as much as they would have loved to do, and sometimes not to meet up with someone they haven’t seen in a while.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting alone in a café as part of my Sunday ritual, and I eavesdropped on a conversation. I have no idea who these people were, but I can confidently say they were old colleagues working in tech companies in senior roles (likely “Head” or “Director” level or above). One of them asked the other about a common colleague and whether they have any contact with that person. I think you can guess the answer. It was no, because the person—after taking a sip of the flat white on a chill Sunday morning—said they really wanted to but had been very busy over the last few months.
I found that excuse to be insincere. I am not blaming or shaming that person right now because I don’t even know their name, let alone their life and personality. Still, I could sense the insincerity. For us, as a society, it should be okay to say, “I wanted to catch up, but that sadly was not my priority recently. I have other things I consider more important these days. Once these conditions change, I definitely will.” But no, we’re “just busy.”
Saying busy is the easy way out. Because almost everyone responds with, “Oh, yeah, I understand”, while sensing the affectation (and calling out the hypocrisy in their internal voice because they saw their last Instagram reel from a lake). Instead of using the B word, explaining life’s priorities might expose the person. They might need to disclose what really matters to them, and this may make them feel vulnerable. I understand. However, when I hear the word busy, I immediately portray the person in my mind as either ashamed that they haven’t yet done what we talked about, or not wanting to talk about it right now or with me. Instead of being straight up front and expecting empathy, they take the shortcut.
It’s okay, my friends. You can be busy with something that has great importance for you at that stage of your life. But remember, it’s your choice to be busy with that thing. If you’re not really busy and use it as an excuse, then think about it: why do you use the word “busy”? Why not, “I can’t do it these days because of…”? I try to follow a communication principle: “Say what you mean, mean what you say.” Saying “because I’m busy” is the opposite. You neither say what you mean nor mean what you say.
Don’t use busyness as an excuse. Find what’s underneath. You may not really want to go to the movie with that friend who is asking. If so, ask your friend to do something else or stop seeing them. You may not want to sign up for a class you always wanted because your job cannot afford distraction right now. If so, just say that, not busy.
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable saying all these truths out loud. Still, be aware that you are using the word busy as a shield. Shield from the truth and an uncomfortable but genuine conversation. Maybe your colleague or friend will tolerate it for a while and cut you some slack, but don’t do the same with yourself. Know why you are putting your shield up.
If you’re really busy with something you’re passionate about and don’t want to do anything else, it’s okay. You can say, “I’m busy with that thing I care a lot about, and I’m avoiding all other distractions.” You don’t need to juggle ten things at a time, even though the Internet and AI claim you can. Accept that you won’t do other things at this stage of your life, and prioritise what matters to you.
Be truthful and transparent with others; don’t try to hide behind busyness. Because it doesn’t work.
