I cried five days ago.
I cried for the Ukrainians. The people who are dealing with the Putin regime. The people whose country is invaded.
I cried four days ago.
I happily cried for the Ukrainian refugees and how Western countries offer endless help to them. I cried proudly and heartwarmingly. I cried with pridefulness for Polish folk who opened all the borders to Ukrainians. I happily cried for all the support Ukraine received from Westerners.
I cried three days ago.
I cried for losing the peace in Europe. I cried because I moved to Europe for safety. I cried for not feeling safe again.
While crying, a teardrop fell down, a different one. The teardrop was screaming at me for the hypocrisy of Westerners.
I cried more on that day. This time for Syrians and how they were, and still are, treated in Europe.
I cried for Turkey, my home country, which hosts the most refugees globally.
I cried for Germany, which did many things to take as many refugees as possible in both cases. That teardrop was happier.
Another drop fell for the rest of the EU, which didn't lift an arm to accept Syrian refugees. I cried for their two faces: one face for welcoming Ukrainian people because they look familiar and another for throwing tear gas bombs at various refugee groups on the EU border because they look different.
Two days ago, I cried my eyes out.
I saw that racism plays its role in wartime as well. I cried after hearing, "Ukrainians are just like us; they are white, Christians with blue eyes."
I cried more after seeing how people of color are treated by the Ukrainian police forces on the Ukrainian border.
I cried even more after hearing, "These are Ukrainian people, not Syrians or Iraqis coming from the Middle East."
I cried once more for those who think Ukrainians are better than Middle Easterners. What a horrible life they must have to live with this perspective. What a sad moment for all of us listening to this.
Yesterday, I cried again for everyone who had to deal with the war in the middle of the pandemic; not only Ukrainians but also Syrian, Taiwanese, Venezuelan, and African people.
Yesterday, I cried for past myself, for young me, for not seeing things clearly. I cried for my previous thoughts like, "I'm better than others because I'm living in a safe country." What a horrible perspective I had before.
Today, I proudly cried for the Russian academics for bravely announcing their opposition to the invasion of Ukraine.
I know I cry a lot.
But most of these are crying inside because I've seen a lot in this world only in 30 years.
I lived in insecure places. The places I walked a lot were bombed and there was a high possibility of me dying in one of the bombings.
I moved and lived in multiple countries, and I have seen how a lot of people are the same and selfish. And many of them have no idea about these kinds of lives.
I cried inside because I also lived a privileged life in comparison.
I was able to cry and not deal with the war itself. I was privileged to not see a dead body with my own eyes. I am still privileged to live in a safe country while writing my thoughts.
I am saving my real teardrops for my future because I know I need them. I will probably cry more tomorrow for all the people who will lose their lives in someone else's greedy war.
I will remember seeing a Russian helicopter getting hit and exploding. I will cry for that Russian soldier in the same way I cried for the Ukrainian soldier who lost a life because of a Russian tank.
I won't forget seeing the parents of the Turkish soldier who lost his life in Syria.
I won't forget watching the Syrian refugee's journey to Europe, to safety. I won't forget watching that movie in the cinema while the person who recorded it was sitting next to me and had to leave the cinema because she couldn't watch herself going through all the horrible journey again.
I know I will cry with sadness tomorrow, but it's okay. I got used to it.
Crying opened my eyes. I know this hypocrisy and racism do not live only within Westerner folks; it's everywhere. I see things more clearly now, unlike some Westerners and all the other folks around the world who need another lens in life.
I know I will cry with contentment tomorrow for all the fantastic Westerners and others who don't think people are different and treat everyone's race and nation the same.
I know that there are still people who think above the nations and offer help to everyone.
And tomorrow, I hope to drop my happy tears for them.